This week I talk to Gemma Stow.  She loves to help empower women to step into the spotlight.  Gemma works with lots of Introverts from corporate and entrepreneur worlds and helps them to “find their fierce” and inner confidence to be yourself and do things in a way that is good for you.

Emma asked how Gemma manages to do things in her own way in her business.  Gemma shares what she realises about how she managed in previous businesses where she had other people to do things she was no comfortable with

Gemma talks about being an introvert in business with the challenges that brings..  A great example is networking with the cringe about the small talk and now she does her own events that listen to what she wants.

There comes a point when we have to let ourselves shine and do the things we find difficult.

“No-one can be as passionate about your business than you”

They talk about how Gemma manages at big events and how an introvert feels seeing others at events, preparing before, but not afterwards and the “introvert hangover” and how to feel grounded again and get the balance and how self-awareness is so important.

Gemma has an “Introverts Inspire” podcast and she is passionate about getting rid of the stereotype and labels around introverts and talks about what she wants people to be able to ditch the labels and use their skills to their advantage.

Gemma’s key message would be to say yes to things and trust that you can do what you can’t.

You can find Gemma on

LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/gemmastow/

Get Gemma’s podcast HERE

Gemma’s website

Don’t forget you can get my free workbook 7 Steps from Overwhelm to In Control HERE.

A confidence and leadership coach with a background in leadership and management and helps people with performance and growth.  Nicoletta joined me from Italy to talk to me. 

I asked Nicoletta to join me to share her journey to success after climbing the corporate ladder and now running her own business.  Nicoletta talks about how she wasn’t confident at all and felt very much afraid of making mistakes and looking like a fool.  Partly this was due to speaking her second language, but it wasn’t all.

She worked in Ireland for a Fortune 500 company and was looking for promotions, bigger job, bigger company because it “seemed like the right thing to do”.  She realised she wasn’t happy, she didn’t have good role models in the business, so she realised that it didn’t align to what she wanted long term. 

She felt stressed out, close to burn out, but tried not to complain because she had a great job and great friends. 

When she made the moved to open her own company she felt more aligned with doing what she wants to.

Nicoletta realised her priorities were all wrong after her mum died and it started a seed of through processes but it still took her 3 years to make the changes in her work and life.

She knew that if she had her own company her values would be different and she would be able to focus on her priorities and get them aligned.  This wasn’t possible within the company she worked in 

If you’re not aligned any more then people become disengaged and in big corporations especially it is expected that people want to move up.  Yet Nicoletta had a lot of friends and colleagues that were happy staying where they were.  They were happy with that they had.

Nicoletta talks about building a baseline for their confidence with her clients.  This helps them to connect to something that helps them feel confident and create a benchmark around how they feel and they can recognise how confidence feels for them  It is different for all of us.  From that she builds on what makes them happy and where they can replicate that confidence. 

She does the same with success.  Which part of the work do they do, so that they feel that success.  Then look at what they could do to get more of that

Nicoletta talks about being OK that we’re not good at everything.  It’s OK if we need to learn more, it just means that we’re a beginner in some areas.  So we can re-frame and connect again to what we want to do.

We talk about our Inner Critic and setting boundaries and sharing goals as well as being open to feedback.

Listen in to an exercise that Nicoletta talks about to focus on goals and success and how helpful it can be your future plans.  She talks about

1. Visualise what you want
2. Try the things you think you want
3. Allow yourself the possibility to go back and don’t be afraid to change your mind.

Nicoletta has a podcast called Poise to Shine. You can find it HERE

Nicoletta’s Facebook Group is called the Confidence Tribe

Nicoletta’s website is:  https://nicolettamura.com/

Don’t forget you can get my free workbook 7 Steps from Overwhelm to In Control HERE.

Listen into the conversation with Susie where we talk about what drives you to make changes in life and what helps her know she has balance in her life.

I met Susie at an event and we seemed to connect and have stayed in touch ever since.  Susie coaches high performers, is a speaker and writes for Families magazines.

Susie was a high performer and tried hard to be that high performer.  One day she was told that if she wanted to be good at her job she needed to do less.  That was confusing for her!

Her boss had just got a coach and enlisted someone for Susie too.  It helped her to see where there were barriers with her team and herself.

However she had to quit a job when she was bullied.  Although she says she’s so grateful about that episode because it helped to catapult her into full time coaching.

Susie talks about how she listens to how people talk and can pick up on language that people use based on logic and how they think they’ll be judged, rather than what’s going on in their gut and their core beliefs.

Emma and Susie talk about how using the word “should” can come from beliefs that are formed and we can change that language and it can help us think about things differently.

They both talk about how seemingly unpleasant events like bullying and other difficulties can bring gratefulness and change in our lives.  As a previous life as Director of Innovation Susie says she should have been comfortable with change and new.  Yet when she was bullied she was on the cusp of her comfort zone and this woman gave her what was needed to make the step into setting up her own business.

“How many times will I put myself through situations that clearly do not suit me anymore.”

Susie responds better by having a good strong reason NOT to do things any more.  This is more compelling for her than vision boards.  Vision boards are not enticing enough or uncomfortable enough to drive you forward.

The conversation flows onto what is valuable to both Susie and Emma and how it’s worth investing the time to what actually brings you joy and where you want to invest your time, energy and money.

We need some of the little things in life to help us keep that balance.  We can’t always take a spa day or a holiday to reset and recover ourselves.  A lot of men say they’re OK when they go to the gym, but it’s not possible if they have an injury.  This is why Emma says take a walk in your lunch break or find some basic things that can create that balance for you. 

Susie talks about being aware of using ‘things’ to anaesthetise feelings, and how she began noticing patterns when she’s not as happy as she could be.   She’s realised that if she doesn’t leave the house her mood is not what she would want it to be.  If her step count is low her mood is not great.  She makes a commitment to herself that she will do 10,000 steps.  She recognising how she will feel if she hasn’t met that commitment and that will drive her to go for another walk.

This is also relevant to people who don’t leave the office and making sure that people know when their mood diminishes.  The commitment being made to valuing ourselves is about doing something without a significant reason other than for you.  

Susie talks about how she pays attention to where things may becoming a habit but in a thoughtless way.  She talks about trying new things, mixing up routines, trying new sports, ordering different food so that you keep things fresh, build your mindset and get comfortable with new.

Asking how does it make me feel and does it add any value are two key questions she asks herself.

This brings back to the values and what is driving the change.

Emma explains how she uses this method to see her through the menopause.  Making choices about whether she drinks wine or values sleep more.

The one piece of advice Susie gives is don’t fake it.  Find people around whom you feel safe. 

Have courage, be kind and know that we don’t have all the answers.

You can find Susie on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/susie-ramroop-mindset-coach/

and also look at Susie’s help sheet to find out Why You’re Playing Small at http://susieramroop.com/playingsmall

Don’t forget you can get my free workbook 7 Steps from Overwhelm to In Control HERE.

This week I’m talking about blame on the podcast.  I’m covering why it happens, how we can handle it and how we can change it.

There’s such a society around us these days, with politicians, news, well, anyone really looking for “who is responsible”.  But it isn’t just a recent thing.  Often it can be as a result of experiences that go deeper than just society and circumstance right now.

Why do people blame?

Learned behaviour:

Sometimes we’ve learnt in our early lives that this is what we do when things get tough.  It can be from parents, leaders, influential people in our childhood.  If we don’t learn to take responsibility, and learn to look for who is at fault and who to blame, then that’s what we will do.  Often without realising.

Feeling Out of Control:

Often if we feel so overwhelmed, or upset and the emotions are running high and we feel out of control, then we try and regain that control by blaming others.  Ultimately, what’s going on behind that is fear.  It might not look like fear, but you can bet it will be!

When the fear kicks in we can become defensive and feel that we’re under attack.  How would you protect yourself from that attack?  Of course, you fire back. 

Avoidance:

What happens here is that someone is struggling with how they feel on the inside, but trying to control the outside circumstances or people.  That’s never going to sort things out.

So when someone is avoiding looking at their own situation, refusing to accept responsibility, it might be about failure, confusion, getting things wrong, misunderstanding the list is endless, then they don’t want to look at the negatives in themselves, they project it outwards instead, so look for who to blame. 

Elevated Status:

Sometimes you might see someone putting someone else down.  I didn’t do that because they did or didn’t do this.  They are blaming someone else for their situation, error or circumstance and by putting someone else down, they’re elevating their own status.  Thing is that people see through it.  It’s not attractive.  They also don’t want to be on the receiving end either.

“When you blame and criticise others, you are avoiding some truths about yourself”

Deepak Chopra 

So if you’re on the receiving end of someone who likes to blame what can you do?

Definitely don’t rise to the blame situation.  It will only add fuel to their fire.  The more you try to reason with a blamer, the more ammunition you give them to fire back at you.  However pragmatic you think you’re being, they’re not on your wavelength, so don’t engage.

You might want to put some distance between you and them.  That’s not always possible,, but it can help to ease the negative situation when blaming happens.

Later, when things have calmed down, have a conversation with them, obviously without doing any more blame!  Tell them how you feel.  Use lots of statements that include “I” statements.

When that happened I felt this / that.

I feel really upset when you blamed me for that missed deadline because I did work late / everything I could to help meet that target.

It’s not about any more blame or right or wrong, it’s about your opinion is that you felt xyz.  It’s difficult to argue with an opinion.

Also see if you can look at the facts of the situation with them.  See if there are any truths in what happened.  You need to use careful, curious language, like the wording I mentioned in episode 44 about curiosity and also episode 42 about giving and receiving feedback.

If you have found yourself blaming

then beginning to recognise that you do this,  is the first step.  If that’s you, well done for knowing you do it. 

Then begin to look for solutions:

• OK this happened, so now what? 
• What can be done? 
• What can be learned? 

When you begin to pick up that responsibility for your own actions and feelings, then you’re really taking ownership of you.  To accept you. 

No-one is perfect.  We all mess up. 

Being aware of our actions and making steps towards change is always going to be better than blaming.

If this is valuable to you or to someone else, the please share this episode or book a call with me HERE to talk about how to make that change. 

What do we mean by a balanced life?  Isn’t that going to be different for everyone?

Well, yes it probably is but for me, and I hope for you it’s going to be about having a happy, healthy mind and body.  That then enables us to focus on having good habits which then lowers our levels of stress, anxiety, pressure.

Whilst often we can talk about wanting to be happy and healthy, for me this means emotional health too.  That’s why I talk such a lot on the podcast about our mindset, our actions, how we respond and react. 

Physical Health

It’s all very well going to the gym regularly or some other form of keeping fit.  We might eat healthily – much of the time at least.  We might work hard, do a job we love, strive to be a good person, be helpful, be kind.  But what’s the point of doing all that if we are still getting stressed and anxious about it.  Worse still, if we are not properly giving ourselves time to rest, recover and re-charge our batteries.

Mental Health

I’ve talked previously about all sorts relating to the subjects of mental health.  It’s not just about self care.  It’s about changing your mindset, having great boundaries, saying no to things (so that you say yes to others).  All this reduces your stress and anxiety levels, so then you have more time, more energy to do things we love, just because we love them.  Or even doing nothing. Yes, that’s allowed.  Give yourself permission to do those things without guilt, pressure or other expectation. 

Enjoyment

How often do you do something you just love to do.  It might be reading, drawing, singing, dancing – the list can do on. 

New Learning

When did you last learn something new – that wasn’t work related?

The trick with getting the balance in life is to ensure that we incorporate things we enjoy doing – just for the sake of it, for fun, for relaxation, for pleasure and balance it with things that we …. I hate to use the word … but things we must do. 

Responsibilities

We all have responsibilities, like work, paying the bills, looking after kids / family, but we need to get that balance between those things and the fun and joyful things.  They often end up last on the list.

I don’t mean burn the candle at both ends so you can fit all this is.  It’s a matter of prioritising or scheduling or just giving yourself permission.  That way you ensure you don’t burn out or become ill.

Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance and order and rhythm and harmony. Thomas Merton 

Priorities

Recognise what your priorities and values are and then plan accordingly.  These can change over time. 

One of my clients came to me for help in the confidence to go for promotion.  Then found out his wife is expecting, just after we started working together.  This baby has been a long time coming and so he’s shifted his priorities a little and is going to wait a few months until the baby is here and stay in his current role, rather than be overloaded with expectation and commitment.  New job, new baby, new routines, all the new that comes with both those, do not necessarily want to happen at the same time.  He made a choice.

Make Plans

Sometimes you have to plan to do the must-do things and the fun things.  Often if we don’t plan and put them in our calendar then weeks and months go by and nothing has happened.  You’ve not met those friends, you’ve not started to read more even though really want to. Putting it in the calendar – not every day – but some days, means it’s more likely to happen.

 But if other things happen, something unexpected, then you’re able to go with the flow and change things without stress or frustration.  Then those times with friends, or the dancing or whatever can often be re-arranged rather than never happy at all.

We can’t plan everything, and I wouldn’t recommend that.  But we do have the power to choose that we do, when we do it. 

Focus Your Energy

When the kids were little, we were fighting with social workers to get additional help for them.  It was hard and we were getting nowhere.  I was getting incredibly stressed by it and the kids needed a lot of my time, but the fighting needed a lot too.  It was emotionally draining.

One day I realised that I needed to put my energy where I would get the best outcome.  Fighting a system of protocol and red-tape was not going to change things.  Focussing my energy on the kids could.

You can too.  Decide where and how you can focus your energies.  Physical and emotional energies.  It might need a change of mindset, just like I had to. 

It will lead to a less stressful, more balanced life.

How often do you compare yourself to others and then get the negative emotions that follow?  With the online world of facebook, Instagram and everything else, there’s a lot of information out there about what others are doing.  And this can have a big impact on how we feel.

It’s not just in the online world though, it might be that you’re comparing yourself to a colleague at work, to the friend, a neighbour … the list is endless.

The thing is, we can’t control what others do, so we have to sort this thing out with ourselves.

So how do we stop comparing ourselves to others?

Identify What’s Going On

The first thing is to start to identify when this happens.  Really notice it and recognise what’s going on, not always with them, but very much with you too. 

Is it a certain person that brings up the feeling with you?  What is that feeling?

Is it a certain place or situation?  What is it that’ going on with you? 

Is it when you see someone’s apparently happy life or affluent lifestyle? 

Have you been feeling like this for a long time or were you perfectly fine an hour ago, before you saw this thing / situation?

How do you feel. Really.  Be honest with yourself.  Are you jealous, feeling uncomfortable or not good enough?  Is it a deeper feeling of shame, guilt, inadequacy?

The thing is, when the emotions kick in, for any reason at all, then we stop performing and the stress levels go up and confidence goes down.

When you start to identify what’s going on and you bring it into your awareness, then you can do something about it.  That self awareness, whilst a little painful, can help you to work on the emotional turmoil that you’re experiencing when comparing yourself to others.

Assess the Situation

You might want to make a list or write out your feelings or emotions about these times.

You might want to take some time and give it some thought to ponder on what’s going on with you and the reason for that. 

Make Some Decisions and Choices

Then you can make some decisions and informed choices about what you do next.

It may be that you avoid certain situations.  That’s fine, depending what the situation is.  Although there’s always going to be situations where you’re at risk of compare yourself, so eventually it’s hard to avoid all of them.  But if you keep looking at people with cars or houses you can’t afford or wandering round the designer shops, then you can avoid that.

You might decide to use the comparison to motivate you to achieving what you want to, or getting where you want to be.  That’s fine if it creates a vision for your goals and targets.  However if you’re comparing a happy family picture on facebook to your grumpy teenager family – or as I did at one point, family life, when I couldn’t have children, then the plan for motivation isn’t going apply as easily.

Remember that all is not how it appears.

You’ve no idea the number of clients who have come to me with stress, anxiety, pressure, fear of failure, imposter syndrome and all sorts.  Yet outwardly they look successful, like they’ve got it all together and are doing well in their career (whatever that means). 

I had one client who was a millionaire.  Had his own business.  Gorgeously huge house.  Did he have it ‘all’?  Perhaps.  But he was desperately unhappy and had struggles with his business and family dynamics.

I was in a mastermind group a few years ago and one member said, You’ve no idea how I feel.  I have these voices in my head telling me how rubbish I am and no-one likes me, I can’t possible network and put myself out there.  I stopped her and shared what I’d seen, from the outside looking in, last time I’d seen her at a network event.  She had appeared to own the room.  A big smile, chat, sometimes a hug, people coming up to her, she worked that room.  After intros, when she told people what she did, lots of people wanted to talk to her.  I reminded her that other people can’t see inside her head.

Have a think about a time when you found out something about someone and you were shocked.  Maybe they were anxious or afraid of something and you had no clue.  Maybe someone had a change in their situation and admitted they were struggling and you thought they looked so happy or had it all together!

All is not as it seems. 

You are not them. 

Whatever the shiny, happy picture.  You are not them.

They don’t have your …. Fill in the blanks here.  They don’t have your patience, your strength, your mindset, your ability to do maths, your writing skills, your humour, your knowledge about xyz.  We can go further, they don’t have your husband, wife, kids, house, job, smile, sparkly eyes, grumpy mornings, grumpy evenings … you get the gist.

Comparison means you are focussing on the the wrong person.  Them.  You need to focus on you.

Recognise what skills, attributes, qualities you have.

Be grateful for what you have.  Begin to notice things each day.  Even the small things.  Be grateful.  It’s a simple thing that can often be overlooked.  It re-wires your brain to see the positives, when done regularly.  When you are regularly grateful for what you have, what you’ve achieved, however small, you recognise your successes and feel so much better about yourself that it doesn’t matter what others do. 

A flower does not think of competing with the next flower.  It just blooms. 

Be YOU.  You are unique.  We are all unique.  Give yourself permission to accept you as you are be blooming fantastic.

It’s my podcast birthday this week, so even though I’m only on episode 46, I’ve been publishing for a whole year!  I had a break during November and December when my lovely mum died, but other than that, I’ve been publishing an episode a week since last July.

As a way of celebrating the year of podcasting I’m asking for you to give me a little gift of a review on the podcast on the I-tunes Podcast app.

Now, I know lots of people have struggled with this, so I’ve given some tips on the episode and here for you too.

• Open the I-tunes Podcast App.
• Search for my podcast
• Tap the image that comes with my podcast
• Scroll down until you find “Ratings and Reviews”
• Then find the tiny bit that says “Write a Review”

There you can leave some lovely comments about me and the podcast show.  You can use your name or a pseudonym

I read out all the reviews on the show too so if you tune in you might hear me mention your name! 

Note:  If you listen on another device such as stitcher, googleplay or spotify, please leave a review there too, it just shows up differently for me.

If you listen on my website page, then leave a comment at the bottom of the blog text.

Top 10 Episodes

I’ve also given you a Top 10 of the episodes this week, to give you a highlight and help you understand what other people are listening to.  Also there might have been a time when you wanted to go back and listen to any you’ve missed, or if there was something you meant to do after listening and life took over and you forgot, now’s the time to do that.

Here’s the top 10:

Each title enables you to click the link straight through to the episodes.

10. BBP39 Getting Through Tough Times

I cover in this episode some ways to help you get through tough times.  There’s also a funny story about how I trained my husband to help me by listening and not trying to fix everything. 

9. BBP21 Successful Goals

This was a great episode that I did at the start of the year, but revisiting your goals and making them successful is something you can do at any time of year.

8. BBP31 An A to Z of Strategies for Resilience

I think at the time of recording I didn’t manage much for the Z but lots of people came up with suggestions after I published.  But you need to have things in your daily life that help you with that ‘bounce-back-ability” so that you can manage and not just ‘push through’. 

7. BBP4 Creating Great Business Boundaries

Of course I love that boundaries is a popular episode and I give lots of information about great business boundaries, but it’s not just in business, because I talk about people who struggle to switch off, need to respond to texts, messages, emails at ridiculous hours of the day and night.

6. BBP37 When You Worry Too Much

There’s a fantastic tip in this episode where I talk through using a “worry chair” to alleviate the worries.  Rather than trying to ignore the worries, we can train our brain to recognise the moments and have tools to use to stop the worry getting out of hand.

5. BBP32 Being Equipped for Difficult Situations with Nicola Richardson

This was a fabulous episode and the top 10 guest episode with Nicola.  There’s a fabulous chat that we have about some difficult situations and details of a course that Nicola provides.

4. BBP2 Creating Your Happy Place

This is my most favourite episode.  I use this all the time, when things are difficult, when life gets too much or just when I’m at the dentist, waiting for something and even travelling.  It talks through how to create your happy place. 

3. BBP6 Dealing with Overwhelm

There is a free guide to go along with this too, to help you deal with overwhelm.  You can get it here at https://emmalangton.com/overwhelm and get the download.  The episode talks you through what to do too.

2. BBP10 The Power of Visualisation

 The interesting thing with visualisation is that you can trick your brain to believing that ‘thing’ has already happened.  So when you go to do something for real, your brain thinks you’ve already done it, so you are much calmer, more confident and actions become more automatic.

1. BBP5 From Self Doubt to Self Belief

         The Top spot on the Business Balance Podcast is talking about self doubt to self belief.  There’s also a free guide for this at https://emmalangton.com/selfdoubt  This is something I work with an awful lot and I run through the steps I use with all my clients.

If you’re ready to work with me, then contact me and lets talk about how you can move from self doubt, get out of overwhelm, learn visualisation, set your goals, create great boundaries, stop the worries and be awesome.

This week I’m joined by Stephanie Bosch, she has worked in corporate banking for 12 years and knows what it feels like to put on a mask and experience the darker side of leadership.  She says that instead of living up to our best selves, we can sometimes feel like misfits and people who just don’t fit in because we can’t express themselves and therefore hold ourselves back.  Her mission is to teach leaders how to ‘use the winning tactics of the bad guys but with compassion and authenticity”.

There’s such a lot of similarities with the people Emma works with about the things that hold people back and the talk of ‘putting on the mask”.

Stephanie talks about her journey through banking in Germany and leaving after 6 years to go into management consulting and recruiting.  She did this until she met her husband who lived in London, so came to the UK.

She started her business and now focusses on those who feel they are not fitting in or being annoyed by bad leadership.  So there’s an interesting discussion point there about people who move up the career ladder because they are good at what they do, but don’t have the training or skills to manage people and be leaders.

“People don’t remember what you say, but remember the way you make them feel”

Stephanie also talks about company culture about career progression that leaves people frustrated or struggling with their job because they don’t have the people management skills, even though they’re good at other aspects of their job.

Stephanie talks about how she recognised that she wore a mask herself through her career and felt like she didn’t belong.  She felt like she has two different lives, between corporate and personal life, even having two different wardrobes.

She talks about what did after this realisation to develop her confidence in herself.

Stephanie has a series of interviews called “Ditch Your Mask” and explains why she uses the term and how she can now look at helping people.  Often we are too close to be able to see things for ourselves and the culture we work in can shape us, with formality and structure in big companies.

Stephanie talks about how to Ditch Your Mask and the first step is to be aware that there is a mask and feel a need to want to change.  Change is difficult and uncomfortable so we need the reasons to want to change.  Then figure out where does the mask not fit me, so identifying where it does not fit us and how do we want to be.  Stephanie always wants to make sure that people feel safe a ready to change.  It might mean small changes about the way we show up, for example, speaking up or stopping people pleasing.  This enables you feel better about who you are.

Also figure out who you want to grow into and how you want to be.  This is not about picking a role model and copying them, but identify aspects for yourself.  Then getting a plan about when and how to ditch the mask.  But we need a strong reason why because this can be an uncomfortable process but then instead of feeling exposed, you can do this with confidence. 

We talk about being vulnerable and how this is not about the pity party, but being clear on the reason behind showing up, being clear on your own values and ensuring that it sits in line with your own values and how you want others to feel.

Have you thought about what your values are and then do they run through everything that you do? 

Emma shares about her values and what it means and how it runs through her company as a great example of getting to the core of your values and ensuring they are well defined. 

It’s important to share learnings, but not getting into the “Pity Party” but also being clear on sharing learnings.  Emma shares her reason for her business, which isn’t about the pity party but recognising the importance for sharing a story and this is also a reason for doing what she does.  Then it means she can share the learnings, and share the experiences, without woe me.

Stephanie talks about how we teach best what we need to learn.  She has learned over the years that you cannot just numb negative emotions and put the mask on.  She would tell her younger self that 

“It’s OK not to be OK”

Sharing struggles and sharing joy is important.  It would be good if she had learned this when she was younger.  Life without emotions is just so boring.  Emma talks about how there can be no filter with emotions, so if we numb down the unpleasant ones then we will stop the joy too.

Stephanie’s one piece of advice would be to really take your time with ditching the mask, whilst making yourself aware of the things that are not fitting and working for you.  Don’t be led by other people’s standards and instead, figure out what you want and how you really want to be.  Doing this can challenge your thinking and enable you to do things that stretch you and see if you can enjoy those things.

 You find Stephanie HERE  and her YouTube Channel, Ditch Your Mask is here. with all the interviews she has done (including one of me!).

 As ever, if you want to get in touch with me then drop me an email here or book a call with me to talk about how my coaching can help you perform at your best.

Curiosity is the impulse to seek new information and experiences and explore novel possibilities is a basic human attribute.

Curiosity is something that we’re born with. Listen as Emma talks about how a toddler or young child demonstrates that natural curiosity.  All those questions, and exploring and no holding back on whether things are right or wrong. They’re just amazed and interested in everything.  Emma often says that brains are like sponges, taking everything in and learning at an amazing rate. A young person is like a little learning machine and part of this is because of curiosity.

Curiosity is often the first point of the learning process, with a gradual move from a conscious to an unconscious action.  Emma explains this more on the podcast.

Research shows that curiosity improves our ability to learn and retain information.

Curiosity means we explore, try, learn, invent. Just think about all that exploration and what if that has resulted in high rise buildings, mobile phones, computers, aeroplanes, travel in space.

Apparently Einstein used to say

“I have no special talent. I am only passionately curious,”

Curiosity is a mindset that can be activated. Curiosity is the fuel for inquiry, learning and discovery – that’s why it’s critical for you, personally, professionally as well as for business and organisational growth and innovation.

Leaders who curiously observe what people say, what they do, and seek to understand deeply what matters to them find the most valuable problems to solve.  In my coaching with business leaders we often have discussions around human behaviour and how the brain works because these leaders are curious about their teams and staff. Why do they do that? How can I get / improve / change

Is your company a ‘curious’ organisation? Putting curiosity at the heart of your organisation helps boost employee wellbeing.

When we are curious, we view tough situations more creatively. When we ask questions and genuinely listening to the responses it improves relationships and some research has shown that ‘curious’ companies said they were happy at work compared to just 45% in the ‘non-curious’ organisations.

Why do we refrain from being curious?

There can be a number of reasons we shy away from being curious or asking questions, but essentially because we fear we’ll be judged incompetent, indecisive, or unintelligent. Plus, time is precious, and we don’t want to bother people.  

By asking questions, we promote more meaningful connections and more creative outcomes.

Another way that you or any leaders can model curiosity is by acknowledging when they don’t know the answer; that makes it clear that it’s OK to be guided by curiosity.

Encourage questions – any type of question.  Even the daft or silly questions.

Open up questioning and curiosity.  Some of the ways I first learnt to do with is with the kids.  

Listen as Emma explains that asking ‘why’ kicks off a part of the brain that jumps into fear, judgement, panic.  So starting your sentences with curious questioning helps calm down the brain so the person is not in a state of panic and reacting in a defensive way.  This is some of the most common conversations I have with clients.

Curious questioning often works well with a tilt of the head, and even a slight sing song voice, or as if you’re thinking out loud.

Listen in as she explains how you can use the different ways of questioning with the following examples:

I’m wondering

Help me understand

Tell me more (a favourite of Brene Brown)

I’m curious – of course, its an obvious but valid one

I can see that ….

Correct me if I’m wrong.  This gives the other person the opening to explain and is similar to help me understand but can sometimes be good if you’ve been exploring a lot of information and you’re trying to summarise or gather thoughts.

When leaders create an environment of curiosity, they inspire their employees to ask questions, to learn, and to seek problems and solutions for themselves.

When employees are curious, they are open to discovering new things, and this leads to better insights, understanding and creates opportunity for problem solving and innovation.

WHEN DID YOU LAST FEEL CURIOUS? WHAT IF YOU FOLLOWED YOUR CURIOSITY?

Contact Emma here to let her know when you were last curious or if you want to ask any question or provide feedback.

To book a call with Emma and get curious about how coaching will help you use this link.

To vote for Emma in the business awards she mentions on the podcast (voting open until August 2019) click here and look for her name in both Business Service and also in Health &Wellbeing. Emma says “I’d love it if you would vote in both categories for me, it only takes a minute”.

Do you find it difficult to say no to people?  Perhaps it means you end up being busy, stressed, over-committed?  Often when we struggle to say no to people it can leave us feeling used, put up-on, juggling too many things.  Are you the one who ends up working late because you’ve said yes to others, yet you’re the one with more to do?

Are you saying yes, instead of no because you’re a people pleaser or because you end up feel guilty?

When you struggle to say no, look at what’s going on when you feel like this?  What feeling or emotion comes up for you when people ask you do something?  Perhaps there are past experiences and situations mean that you’ve learned it’s easier to say yes than no.

For many it’s a worry or fear about what others will think.  I’ve previously covered the fear of rejection in episode 16 and just last week talked about giving and receiving feedback. 

But the reality is that if we end up saying yes when we really don’t want to, don’t have time, or any other reason, then we end up feeling resentful, we’re repeatedly programming ourselves that our feelings, time, our priorities don’t matter.  Are we really saying that we don’t matter?  I hope not, but sometimes perhaps we are.

Consider the other situation – you say yes so many times that you end up worn out, then there’s really no chance of you saying yes to anything if you’ve made yourself poorly!  Focus on the benefits of saying no.

When you hear me talk about boundaries – which can be a lot – what I say is that boundaries teach respect.    So by having great boundaries and learning to say no means that we show people and ourselves that we are not a pushover, we treat ourselves respectfully too.

Apparently the Mayo clinic has done research that concludes that saying no can help to reduce your stress levels and increase your happiness.  

How can you say no? 

A key element is to ensure you’re concise.  Too much waffle and they will pick holes in what you’re saying. 

No excuses – you don’t really need to give an explanation, and often when there are excuses, you give people space to try and persuade you otherwise. 

No is complete a sentence.  Which I love.  Sometimes that’s all you need. That’s pretty concise!   But if you’re already feeling guilty or worrying about how No will be received, you’ll need a bit more help.

At work, if your colleague or boss asks you to do something extra.  If you’re going to struggle then stick to the facts and point out, if I do this, then that will happen.  What would you like me to work on first?  What would you like to let slide from the deadlines?  I used to do this all the time.  Sometimes they forget all that you’re doing, or don’t stop to think about your timelines and deadlines and workload.  All you’re doing is pointing it out and helping them to remember. 

If you’re asked if you will do a baking for the school or some other thing – often they sound like a small thing, but reality is it’s not a 10 minute job.

I don’t have time and would hate to let you down, so I’ll have to say no.

If they try to persuade just repeat the same. 

I just don’t have time.  Sorry.

See how concise that is?  No excuses.

You might be thinking “oh gosh, doesn’t anyone else every do these things”  I get you.  But don’t say it out loud.  Then that’s the resentment showing through. 

Keep it simple.

• No I can’t, I have something else arranged.
• No, I’ve got a prior commitment
• Sorry, I don’t have availability to fit that in

If you get asked to contribute to a charity event / sponsored thing at work and it feels like everyone is asking you right now then …

Thanks so much for asking me.  I’ve already given to a few charities/sponsorships this month.  I’ll bear this in mind for another time.  Good luck with everything.

This doesn’t directly say no.  So it’s a great one if you struggle with the word, but you’re still clear and leave no room for any persuasion or them to try to and re-negotiate. 

Now, if you truly believe that these people will be upset with you, then they’re already not respecting you and your time and your values or limits.  So really, that’s an indication about them, not you.

Anyone that gets upset, moody or is just expecting you to pick things up really isn’t bearing you in mind at all with this.  You have a right to say no without having to explain all the time.

If all else fails, do the “I’ll get back to you:.  Let me check that and let you know gives you the ability to get away from the situation.  You can assess.  Take deep breaths.  Formulate your answer and deliver later, not too much later, when you’ve had a bit of space to practice saying no. 

Give yourself permission to say no without the pressure, guilt or worry.

This might take practice.  But it will get easier and you’ll feel so much more confident too.  Confidence of anything comes with practice.

What will you say no to this week?  I’d love you to message me and let me know, or book a call and let talk about your boundaries and self worth.